Accepting Myself

photo by Jennifer Gonzalez
photo by Jennifer Gonzalez

I have always been somewhat of an introspective person, analyzing and trying to figure out who I am. This tends to lead me in the direction of judging myself,  sometimes a little to harshly, and to constantly want to prove myself better (to me and sometimes to others).

I don’t think that challenging yourself is a bad thing, but I have come to realize that, in the past few years, I got a bit lost in this attitude and started to forget how to accept and love myself for who I am now.

So I decided to write this post about a small part of who I am now. It deviates from my traveling posts, but traveling has been a trigger of some of this realizations.  It is kind of personal, but I felt that it was something I wanted to share.

  • I like to have company, a partner in crime, someone to share my adventures with. Although I have always enjoyed alone time (sleeping, reading, watching TV, staring at the wall as I daydream), in the past year of traveling mostly by myself, I have come to realize that I enjoy it much more when I’m sharing it with someone. And I’m coming to terms that wanting someone by my side does not make me less independent.
  • I’m one emotional girl and crying is my outlet. Growing up I  expressed my emotions mostly through anger (maybe like any good teenager?), but a few years back I opened the door to crying, and it has not stopped. If you used to watch Friends, you might remember the episode when Chandler cries for the first time and then cant stop, well that’s kind of what happened to me. Crying has become the outlet of the majority of my emotions: I’m sad I  cry, I’m angry I cry, I watch a silly add I cry,  and even being happy makes me cry sometimes. Maybe the door will shut down again or just close a little bit, but for now this is how my emotions come out.
  • I’m thirty but don’t think I have the maturity level of a 30 year old (if there is such a thing as a maturity level).
  • I don’t fall for guys often but when I do it happens quite fast and it scares me. I have dated and “gone out” with several guys in different types of relationships (boyfriends, “just friends”, “really just friends”, only one date, etc), and I can honestly say, that even though most of them have been really nice worthy guys, I have not fallen for the grand majority of them. Maybe because of this, or other physiological issues I don’t know about, I get scared when I do like a guy more than the usual amount and I don’t always know how to deal with it, which makes me emotional and then I cry!
  • Making new friends doesn’t come naturally to me, it requires me pushing myself out of my comfort zone . Although I enjoy the company of others, hanging out  and having deep or silly conversations, it really takes a big effort to try to talk to people I don’t know and make the “first move” inviting them out to become better acquainted. I have always been a small group friends kind of girl, but that’s just because it takes me a long time to make new friends.
  • I really enjoy sleeping and this sometimes interferes with other things I want to do. If you ask any of my past coworkers from Vancouver or my University  friends they will vouch for me on this one, getting myself out of bed in the morning is a battle, which leads me to be late for things. Even when I’m doing something really exciting, that I’m looking forward to do so much, if its early in the morning (read as getting out of bed before 9 am) I struggle.
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